I haven’t written in a while. Not REALLY written. I’ve posted a couple of things that really resonated with me, that were (are) pertinent to where my head has been these past few months, but nothing really from me. My husband has said on a number of occasions that I need to get back to writing, and he’s right. It sustains me, revives me, and most of all, it’s an outlet for my thoughts that are otherwise being shared with him in the middle of the night when he would rather sleep.
I have felt the weight of writer’s block for a while, and I’ve wondered…a lot…why it has suffocated my desire to write for so long. Especially since I know that the longer I go, the harder it is to start back again, and the more of an unspoken (and unwritten) victory there is for silence. I do not want the silence to win.
The annual Blogging A-Z Challenge took place this month, and sadly I was unable to participate…for a variety of reasons, not the least of which was starting out the month of April quite sick. But beyond that, and beyond feeling wholly uninspired to write for the past several months, I have been practicing the piano like a fiend. It’s a good thing, and unlike the practice sessions of my childhood, where I would count the minutes until the required time had elapsed, I have to keep a close eye on the time now or I will blow by appointments, school pick up, and the like because my head is so immersed in the music. Never in my life did I anticipate this…not just an enjoyment of the work, but a craving to get at it and stay at it until the music is mastered. (And if you are a musician, you know the music is rarely ever “mastered,” just prepared enough for public consumption. There is always room for improvement.)
All this is a preamble to say that never in my life did I think I would play for church…and by play, I mean lead the music from the piano. Not only did I not anticipate that eventuality, but (more importantly) I did not anticipate enjoying it. Seriously, I have a fairly well developed case of stage fright, and the thought of actually speaking in front of a group gives me jitters and cold sweats, far beyond the normal performance nerves that I have always had. I was a bit terrified to take this on, even on this temporary basis, because of fears that I would screw up enormously (I have), make lots of obvious mistakes (I have), constantly battle nerves (I do), and ultimately be a distraction to the worship service. Never did I think I would love it, but I do…as long as I never have to speak up front. I’m serious!
What makes it great goes miles beyond being able to play beautiful music. Though in and of itself, that would be enough, it’s getting to work with fellow musicians, willing of heart to share their musical gifts to the glory of God, that makes this an experience I am treasuring. There is no way to adequately thank them for their willingness, not only to share their gifts, but to put in extra practice time and deal with my (more often than not) last minute changes. I love conversing in the language of music with fellow speakers, I love tweaking the performance of hymns so we work together better, and I love accompanying other musicians who are glorifying God with their voices and instruments.
I will miss it when it is over, but not in a sad way. It’s a lot of work…great work, if you can get it, but work nonetheless. It takes a great deal of time, and though I enjoy every moment of the time I am putting in, I know I can’t devote adequate time and pursue expanding our family. We have been seeking to adopt a child for so very long, to have a sibling for our son (who desires it so very much). This gig has been a glorious respite to the waiting, waiting, waiting for our second child And we’re still waiting…somewhat impatiently…to see where God will lead us in our search.
The Lord’s my shepherd, I’ll not want…
So I will revel for the next couple of months in the glorious music I am blessed and honored to play each Sunday. I will soak in the beauty of the melodies and the love of God that pours forth in the words. When I am finished, my family and I will worship God from our pew, and hopefully sooner than later, we will worship as a family of four.