It’s funny…there have been so many thoughts ping-ponging through my lately, and I don’t really know how to start to write it.
Have you ever had a sense of such profound regret for something that it became almost palpable? I have bouts of this, and it always comes coupled with a strong desire (need?) to resolve this regret in whatever manner is necessary to feel…finally…as though there is true resolution. Is this guilt? Maybe. Probably. I struggle with specific incidents where my actions or words were the offending ones, and wonder if I have neglected to do the very necessary mea culpa…sincerely and humbly. Sometimes I have. Sometimes I have not. Sometimes I have, but not enough.
What about when forgiveness was sincerely & humbly sought, but not given? I did my part. Over and over. Why is the guilt still there? Did I not really, truly, and with HEARTFELT humility, seek to right what I did wrong? Why was it refused me? What about me makes me unforgiveable?
What about doing something that, unbeknown to me, offended someone else, later on? You could argue that I had no control over that…but I did. The stupidity of my youth, the irresponsibility of my decisions, the arrogance of my “beliefs” (or the lack thereof) caused me to do things that were hurtful to me and hurtful to others, yet I did not see that until many, many years later. Are there amends to be made? I really don’t know, but what I do know is that I have a profound regret for the things of my past that reduced my worth in others’ eyes. I thank God that my unwise, even repugnant, decisions did not make me of less worth to HIM.
So now I feel that I have come to (or am barreling toward) a crossroads of sort, and that what is (or will be) imminently necessary is to find a way to reconcile my life that is behind me to the past, and not allow it to prevent me from becoming the woman God created me to be. I don’t know if I can do that. Or maybe it is more accurate to say that I know I CAN’T do that…alone.
Was it C.S. Lewis who said of forgiveness that he had to forgive anew each and every day, until he came to a point where he had truly and completely forgiven the person who had wronged him? I think so, and I think this is what was meant when Jesus said we must forgive seventy times seven. Is this also true, in a manner of speaking, about seeking reconciliation? Is one time enough, if the reconciliation is not achieved? Do I (indeed, does anyone) need to revisit these unresolved areas of life as often as necessary until reconciliation is true & complete? I’m asking…I don’t know the answers…I wish I did. What I suspect is that somehow is that there is some truth in this, and that as I attempt to flesh out the woman God has made me to be, perhaps I will learn the answers.